Lately this has been in my mind that I’m “estranged.”
I try to trace back to how this happened and if I’m doing something wrong by not reaching out to my family. I know they must blame me for this and that something is wrong with me. It’s that last thought that always gives me insight. That something is wrong with me. It’s these comments or ways of making me feel that then give me insight as to why I’m not talking to them now.
I always felt like something was wrong with me around them, in my family.
The black sheep. So just to give some background. I don’t talk to anyone in my family. We have a small family and I talk to none of them. I was emailing my mom from time to time, but that has stopped. I think I have no interest and its not like she reaches out to me.
My dad, well that’s been off for awhile.
I guess I’m just feeling sad lately about this all. When I ask myself what I’m upset about I don’t really know. I guess it’s that I feel like I’m doing something wrong by not talking to them or by not wanting to communicate with them. There’s so much criticism in every word inflection and thing they say. I just don’t want to be around them like that anymore.
I don’t talk to my brother but this may not be an estrangement as we never did talk a lot and I always felt like I was the one reaching out.
We never did have the type of relationship that I wanted to have with my brother. He’s never around and I just don’t see the point. I feel like I’m babbling here. I don’t know what else to say. I just have strange feelings, sadness, guilt, concerned about being labeled “estranged” now. I don’t know anyone else who is estranged.
Father’s day is coming up and I have been thinking about it.
I don’t think I’m going to email him. What’s the point. He has missed so many important things in my life recently, even when we were still casually talking on the phone or he heard through my mother and he didn’t reach out to wish me congrats or happy anything.
So even though he didn’t do it.
I feel like I’m going to get yelled at for not wishing him a happy father’s day. This is the way it goes in my family. I am always doing the wrong thing where their bad behavior is excused. Again, I just feel like this is a dirty little secret I have now to be ashamed of. I don’t want to be ashamed, but I’m fearful to tell anyone in my life about this estrangement. I don’t think I will ever have a relationship with any of them again, maybe an email here or there, but I guess I have just been realizing lately that it’s over.
——
I wrote this post in June 1, 2012 and since then a lot has changed.
Not necessarily with my family members, but with me.
I now have a deep understanding of why this happened to me, what I needed to do to release and heal the pain, and I’ve developed a deeper, loving relationship with myself.
I’ve also stepped into my power and freed myself.
Learn about what your family pain means for you and how to heal.
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Copyright 2019. Blaire Allison, The Love Guru. All Rights Reserved.
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About The Love Guru:
Spiritual Teacher, Intuitive Heart Healer, Psychic Medium, Dating and Relationship Expert, Marriage and Family Therapist, Horse Healer.
Blaire works with high-powered executives, entrepreneurs and celebrities who’ve experienced career success, but their love life’s a mess.
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